


A Cold and Broken Hallelujah

by Rivermoon1970



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post It Takes A Village, Post-Break Up, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 17:42:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10791531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rivermoon1970/pseuds/Rivermoon1970
Summary: When Emily takes Spencer to a new club, he did not expect who it was that was singing that night.





	A Cold and Broken Hallelujah

Spencer really didn’t want to go out. The day had been a difficult one, serial criminals never stopped to consider anyone else’s lives. Spencer sighed and knew it was futile to wish they would just back off for a while.

“Hey, come on, you are going to like this place, I promise. It’s a small club, not all that noisy and they have a lot of local singers.” Emily looped her arm around Spencer’s and walked with him to the elevators. The rest of team boarded, and Spencer acquiesced. He looked around and couldn’t help the small ache that still resided in his heart for the one person that should still be there. 

Emily let him have his quiet, but he smiled when she joked, and he played back with her. He was happy she was healthy and alive, that had been the worst thing, thinking his friend was gone. It had been almost a year and that year his life had fallen apart. He admitted his own role in it happening, he just didn’t think that things would have gone as bad as they did. Closing his eyes a moment he put it behind him once more and climbed into Emily’s car.

When they pulled up to the place, Spencer actually liked it immediately. It was as understated as she had said. It had more of a pub atmosphere than a club, but there was an area for dancing off of the side of the stage.

“You’re right, Em. This place is nice.”

“See, baby genius, told you that you’d like it. Okay, first round on me my lovelies, just tell me what’cha want.” Garcia stood after they found a booth big enough for all of them. 

“Brandy for me, Garcia.” Spencer leaned back and didn’t even fight the smile as Morgan bumped his shoulder.

When the first round of drinks was set in front of everyone, Spencer took a sip as the house lights dimmed and a soft spotlight was on the stool in the center of the stage. Spencer’s breath quickened as he recognized the figure sitting there.

“Did you know about this?” Spencer whispered anxiously to Emily. She shook her head no and looked just as stunned as Spener.

Deft hands started to play, then a smooth velvety voice matched the tune being played.

“ **_I heard there was a secret chord / That David played and it pleased the Lord / But you don't really care for music, do you_ ** _?” _

Spencer’s breath hitched as his thoughts wandered.

_ “You don’t like the Beetles, Spencer?” Aaron quietly laughed as he put on the song While My Guitar Gently Weeps. He grabbed Spencer around the waist and started to sing under his breath along to the tune while he swayed Spencer in his arms. _

_ “I...I just never really listened to much other than Classical.” _

_ “I’m going to have to broaden your horizons, then.” Aaron sang again as he pulled Spencer even closer and kissed him. _

Spencer looked down at the napkin in his lap as his heart stuttered in his chest.

“ **_Well, it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth / The minor fall and the major lift / The baffled King composing Hallelujah / Hallelujah.”_ **

“I’m so sorry Spencer, I didn’t know. I really, really didn’t know,” Emily hissed as she turned her head towards Spencer.

“It’s fine.” Spencer held himself as he listened and sipped at his brandy.

“ **_Well, your faith was strong but you needed proof / You saw her bathing on the roof / Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you.”_ **

_ Spencer was stretched out under Aaron, blissed out look on his face, Aaron on top. _

_ “First time I saw you accidentally naked in that little hotel room in Rochester, I had to keep myself in check. Then, when I first kissed you, I thought you were still a dream, Spencer. Even touching you, I couldn’t believe you let me.” _

_ Spencer smiled and cupped Aaron’s cheek, love and something deeper settled inside him. He didn’t think he could be any happier than he was at that moment. _

**“** **_She tied you to her kitchen chair / She broke your throne and she cut your hair/_ ** **_And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah / Hallelujah.”_ **

_ “I didn’t lie by choice, Spencer. JJ and the State Department asked my opinion, I said it might be a good idea, then I was slapped with orders to keep quiet.” Aaron hissed, angry about Spencer accusatory tone. _

_ “You lied TO ME! What else did you lie about? Did you lie that you love me? Did you even mean it when you put this ring on my finger?” _

_ The devastation on Aaron’s face didn’t make Spencer stop, he kept going and he went for blood. _

_ “Did you get a thrill out of fucking your subordinate? Because if you could lie about Emily, what other secrets are you keeping? Like Beth?” _

_ “How dare you. How dare you think I would cheat on you. I gave you everything, Spencer.” Aaron stood there, broken, practically bleeding in front of Spencer. _

_ “Yeah well, maybe it wasn’t enough.” Spencer grabbed his bag and left. _

Spencer wiped his eyes as the memories flooded his mind.

**_“Baby, I've been here before / I've seen this room and I've walked this floor / I used to live alone before I knew you.”_ **

“ _ Of course I’ll move in with you and Jack.” Aaron stood from his desk and walked around, hauling Spencer to his feet he kissed him right there in his office. _

_ “I promise, I’ll always take care of you.” _

_ “We’ll take care of each other.” _

_ Spencer remembered when he moved in how happy he had been. He closed up the last box and walked the empty apartment. Aaron had already gone, even selling the house that he had bought for them to move into. Spencer wondered how he had let it all get this far. _

**_“But love is not a victory march / It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah / Hallelujah.”_ **

Spencer laid his head back and let the song wash over him. It twisted inside him bringing up all of those things from the last year that he had thought he buried. He had tried to blame their breakup all on Hotch, not wanting to take responsibility for his part in what happened. Tonight, sipping the alcohol, the sure fingers on guitar creating achingly beautiful sounds to a song that had such weight and meaning to it. 

He felt Morgan asking him if he was okay, he said he was fine, when in reality he really wasn’t fine, not at all.

_ “Here…” Spencer frowned as he stood in the middle of the empty apartment with Aaron in front of him. The ring in the palm of his hand. Tears spilling down his face wondering how they got to this point. How they had hurt each other so much that neither man could fix this. _

_ When all Aaron did was curl Spencer’s fingers around it and held his hand for a moment, Spencer tried not to break even further. _

_ “Keep it. It was freely given, Spencer. I wanted this, I wanted us.” _

_ “Aaron, I wanted it to.” _

_ “I want to believe you, but I just feel cold inside Spencer. You don’t believe me, my explanations, the reasons I lied to save Emily’s life. You choose to believe some conspiracy to hurt you and it’s just not true. The last few weeks I feel like I’ve had to wave a flag just to make peace to talk to you, and I can’t go on like this anymore. Maybe, one day, we can try to be friends again.” _

_ “Aaron, don’t leave…” Spencer looked up and didn’t stop the tears that fell. _

_ “I have no choice. You gave me no choice.” Aaron let Spencer’s hand go, then he walked out the door, just as broken as the man he left behind. _

**_“Well, there was a time when you let me know / What's really going on below / But now you never show that to me, do you?”_ **

Spencer wiped down his face, transfixed by the music and them memories. The audience around him were all moved by the song and the exquisite way the singer was singing it. Spencer wasn’t sure he could move even if he wanted to, he didn’t want to break the spell even if hearing it to completion was tearing little pieces out of him.

_ Aaron was sitting in the dark, on the small window seat looking out the window when Spencer arrived home. He tried not to feel guilty for putting that look, that doubt in Aaron, but he knew he had.  _

_ “Where did you go?” Aaron asked as he took a sip of the drink in his hand. _

_ “Just...met with some friends. To talk.” _

_ “There was a time when you used to want to talk to me.” The bitter tone and the sadness underlying it wasn’t lost on Spencer. He stood in the darkened living room, his fingers wrapped tightly around the strap of his bag. He had no idea what to say. _

_ “Jack asked where you were. I’m tired of trying to brush away the fact that you don’t want to be here anymore, Spencer. You’ve pulled away from both of us. You don’t help Jack with his homework or read to him anymore.” _

_ Spencer bowed his head a moment. _

_ “I’ll go talk to him. I never meant to hurt him.” _

_ “Just me, then?” _

_ “I…” Spencer’s words got stuck and he had nothing. “I’ll go check on, Jack.” Spencer fled to the boy’s room, hoping he could repair at least one relationship. _

**_“But remember when I moved in you / And the holy dove was moving too / And every breath we drew was Hallelujah.”_ **

_ Aaron was achingly gentle as he moved inside Spencer, making the pleasure last for both of them. His kisses passionate, the heat from his body, and hands that touched and gripped, made Spencer open up not just his body, but his heart, his mind, his very soul. _

_ “I love you,” was whispered in his ear as he arched beneath Aaron, hands gripping Aaron’s back as he released between them. Aaron’s thrusts faltered as he too came inside of Spencer and it was like all of his very nerves were on fire. _

_ “I love you, Aaron,” Spencer whispered back in awe of the emotions that flooded him, of the kisses placed on his lips, of gentle hands touching him lighting up all of those dark places inside of him. He had let Aaron in, and every breath he drew, it was for the man who loved him and cherished him. _

Spencer couldn’t help that he was crying. An arm came around his shoulders and pulled him close. He smelled Emily’s perfume and it was almost cloying, but a hand slid into his hair, scratching lightly helping to settle him. No words were exchanged as the spell of the song still held the audience in its thrall.

**_“Well, maybe there's a god above / But all I've ever learned from love / Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you.”_ **

_ “Gideon was right about one thing.” Aaron was packing up files in his office as Spencer stood there. _

_ “What is that?” _

_ “Words can kill just as easily as a gun. You never needed a gun, Spencer. You’re tongue is just as sharp and deadly.” _

_ “Aaron, what can I do to fix this? You can’t leave, the team needs you.” _

_ “Just the team?” Aaron asked as he turned to look Spencer in the eye. _

_ “We can’t do this without you.” When Aaron’s face fell and he turned back around, Spencer knew he had lost everything. He felt like this had been a test and he failed miserably. _

**_“It's not a cry that you hear at night /_** **_It's not somebody who's seen the light / It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah / Hallelujah.”_**

_ Spencer was curled up on his side of the bed, his heart shattered in a million pieces. He felt the bed shake, and almost heard the silent tears. Two men broken, separated by a few inches, yet if felt like miles. He knew they were broken and it wasn’t something he ever thought would happen. _

The song ended, but the spell was still held the audience captive.

“When if first heard this song, many years ago, I thought it was about faith and how we can slowly lose it from things that we experience in life. Then a few years later I thought it was about love, and how two people who love each other can break each other apart. Then when I heard it again, I thought it might be about mankind in general. No one, not even Mr. Cohen himself, has ever been able to truly define what this song means. 

“I believe it means different things to different people. Maybe different phases in your life, maybe you have lost love, or faith, or both. We all struggle with these big emotions, these big questions and when something breaks you apart, you try to find the meaning why and sometimes, sometimes there is no why.” The singer took a drink of his water to clear his throat. He reset his guitar and played another song. This one happier, more joyful and for some reason that broke Spencer’s heart even more.

“Want another one?” Emily asked as she picked up Spencer glass. He nodded and went to the bar to place their order. It was her round to pay for drinks. When she came back, Spencer gladly took it and sipped, the table more subdued than it had been before. When the singer was done, and he left the stage, a DJ started to play some upbeat music breaking the spell over the audience. Morgan and Emily got up and started to dance with each other, Garcia stayed in the booth, content to watch and make occasional comments. 

“I’ll be right back,” Spencer mumbled as he stood and made his way to the bathroom. He had his head down as he tried to dispel all of the memories that had shaken loose. When the door opened, Spencer crashed into the person coming out. He looked up to apologize and was rooted to his spot. The singer, Aaron Hotchner, former lover, fiance, boss was there looking just as shocked as Spencer was.

“I...I didn’t know you were here. I…”

“Um, can I?” Spencer gestured to the bathroom.

“Oh, of course.” Aaron stepped aside letting Spencer in.

“Don’t leave yet, please?” Spencer asked as he looked at the back of Aaron’s head. The man didn’t move for a few moments, then he nodded and shut the bathroom door. Spencer was quick, then he washed his hands thoroughly.

“I don’t have long, I have another set.”

“How are you, Aaron?” Spencer leaned against the wall and didn’t take his eyes off the man.

“Coping.”

“Jessica, nor Jack tell me much about what’s happening with you.”

“I asked them not to. Jack knows not to lie to you, I don’t ever want him hurt that way.”

“Aaron...I would never....”

“Don’t, Spencer. Don’t say you would never hurt Jack that way because you told me once you could never hurt me that way, and you did.”

“What happened to us?”

“You stopped listening to me, trusting me. And I let my anger be the only emotion I felt.”

“I talked to the AD. Actually he called me into his office after you left and asked me what happened. I told him and he kind of read me the riot act. He confirmed that Emily went over even the Director’s head. I should have listened.”

“Yes, you should have. Why would the AD rake you over the coals?”

Spencer looked down at the concrete floor, closing his eyes a moment. He then looked up at Aaron and saw the hurt the man was trying so hard to hide.

“He’s my sponsor.”

“Oh. How are you doing?”

“I’ve been going every week.”

The two men fell into silence as they stared at each other, neither daring to move. Then Aaron took the few feet between them swiftly and pulled Spencer into his arms. Spencer buried his face against Aaron’s neck and cried. An arm around his waist, and a hand threaded in his hair made him curl his fingers in Aaron’s shirt.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”Spencer kept repeating over and over as Aaron pulled him in closer.

“Shh,” Aaron held the man he still loved in his arms as that man broke apart. He had tried to let Spencer go, but the crushing weight of missing him, of Jack talking about him, Jessica making little remarks about how he looked. He wanted to be mad at all of them, but he couldn’t.

“I didn’t know you were out there. I wouldn’t have chosen that song.”

Spencer calmed himself and wiped his eyes on Aaron’s shirt, but didn’t let go. 

“No, it was right.”

“I don’t know what this means, or what I want.”

“Can...can we be friends again?” Spencer sounded so lost that it tugged at something inside Aaron.

“We can start there.”

Aaron finally broke his hold, gently wiped Spencer’s eyes then went back out to begin his second set. This time he started with  _ While My Guitar Gently Weeps _ , and Spencer smiled a small smile to himself.


End file.
